Processing Timon's Life and Death - post by Dama

I am one of those women who never ever processed about pregnancy until it happened. Strange eh? But there are some women out there who do exactly that. Perhaps because I am one who lives like the saying, "I will cross the bridge when I get to it". So, I was excited and scared when we got pregnant. I felt inadequate about being a mother (Would love to meet a woman who was confident about it the first time). In my hunt to process and get ready, I went all out to get info about pregnancy so that I could thoroughly prepare for the baby. Google became a "universal university" of sort. I could tell you of the different quality of material posted there both fake and real. I joined a group of pregnant friends on whatsup and facebook. I heard and read all the horror stories of labor and delivery - and boy, did I freak out!

Our baby was 10 days overdue despite numerous people praying that the baby would come early. Probably that was the beginning of Aaron and me being stretched. We prayed, walked, swam, ate spicy food (which in normal circumstances is not my cup of tea), climbed flights and flights of stairs, sat on the birthing ball....but nothing was triggering labor! When the day for inducement came, Saturday-June 21st, 2014, all was set for a normal delivery. Thanks to all the exercise, I had dilated 6cm already!!! If you are a woman reading this, this is that part you say "Wow!" This meant that I was in labor all along but my contractions were not as strong. I used to be in discomfort and had on and off cramping pains but not consistent enough to convince me that I was in labor. My gyna and nurse were excited and predicted a four hour labor. Almost true to their word, Timon Michel Strohbach arrived three and a half hours after inducement. Since we didn't know the sex beforehand, I asked the nurse twice what the sex of the baby was, after waiting  for a minute she gave me the baby. I was so overwhelmed with joy when I held him that I cried like a baby! All the pain and waiting I had completely forgotten. God had truly answered my prayers. I had wanted a boy (Aaron didn't prefer a specific gender), my labor was short without drama (of course towards the end it got really painful) plus it was a normal delivery. Timon weighed a ton. Ok, not quite but he was a big baby weighing 3.98kgs (8.5lbs). His crying was so distinct because when he did cry he overshadowed the other babies in the ward. For a newborn, his actions were so alert. His big eyes were almost always open. He  ruthlessly suckled his fingers and rarely took time to sleep. Sadly, that night I barely got any sleep. He nursed and nursed. If he was not nursing, he was taking catnaps or wailing. It dawned on me that I was in for a great amount of work, and a possible very strong-willed boy! One woman in the maternity ward told me that my baby was going to give me a lot of work (Not in a bad way, at least when it is said in Swahili).

On June 22nd 2014, Aaron and I were so excited while driving back to our house from the hospital. We kept saying how unbelievable it felt to be new parents. The attachment to one's baby is such a strong emotion. After eating a late lunch, I nursed Timon and we settled for an afternoon nap and rest.

At around 7.30pm Aaron realized that Timon was struggling to breath so we rushed him to the hospital. I remember feeling so weak and helpless but then as a mother, I realized that I had to comfort him.  Forget about what I was feeling and be there for him. I stroked his hair and whispered words of comfort when he cried. My boy was loud, even in that oxygen mask:-). I prayed for him. I reassured him I was there. When they took him at 3am to put him on a ventilator, I finally gave in to the tears and the hard painful emotions. I couldn't believe that we were sitting outside the ICU room at 3am and our son was in there fighting for his life! What a sudden and harsh turn of events! I cried out to God in the arms of Aaron. When we realized his condition was so serious, all we could do was to cry out to God. We cried as we left the hospital, as we drove to the house to get refreshed and back to the hospital. We cried in our prayers that Monday night and God gave Aaron a conviction through Matt 19:14. He did not share all of it until when we were called to rush to the hospital, because Timon's condition was deteriorating. He told me that he had sensed that God was calling Timon home. We arrived at the hospital to be told Timon had died at 6.20am on 24th June, 2014. We cried, prayed and called Aaron's parents. One of the nurses came in and she was crying too. We held her hand and prayed for her. We felt comforted to know that even strangers were touched by Timon's short life here on earth. Also we were not alone in our grief.

Many turned out for Timon's burial. If Aaron and I, had thought that two years of our work in Mombasa had not touched many people, we were proved wrong and re-affirmed. Many were people we had worked with while planting the two churches, some were our former and new neighbors, and also some family members. Our phones, facebook walls, inboxes were flooding with messages of condolences, prayers, comfort and love. Others gave financially towards the hospital and burial bills. God surely used all sorts of avenues to comfort us. One of the most memorable comfort was from a group of high school teenagers. Aaron had visited their school twice for their Christian union fellowship. These students came for an hour in their school uniform and conducted a fellowship of comfort. They were so many that most sat on the floor and others stood in our sitting room. This to me was like God saying, "I love you and will rally even young people to show you".  Friends came, cooked for us and offered a cup of tea to our visitors. Distant family and friends kept checking on us and reassuring us of their love and comfort. I understood the frustration and the limitedness of time and distant. I knew Aaron's family would have loved to be there. God knew why but I totally appreciate them all the more. That is another reason why I am looking forward to being in heaven, where all of us who belong to the family of God will be united.

Timon has left a mark in my heart that I don't think time will erase. I love that young boy so deeply and also his name, Timon. I wish I could use the name again on this side of heaven but am sure God is enjoying calling him Timon :-). When I pushed that boy out of my body, held him, I was instantly hooked. I had this amazing love and attachment that only God knows how deep. It had taken more than nine months to get ready for him. Shopped, read and prayed and now he is not here. The feeling is almost confusing and or frustrating. Aaron described the emotion, "It is like planning to fly to the Bahamas only to land in Antarctica!" My mind has been forced to process significant transitions in a span of a very short time. Pregnancy, birth, sickness, suffering, death and burial. My emotions are going through a turbulent time. The grieving process is very unpredictable. Some hours or days are harder than others. While I have peace with where Timon is, in the arms of His maker, but the pain of not having him here with me now is so real and raw.

I do not doubt God's goodness and faithfulness at this time. I know He is sovereign. He can do what He wants and I do not have any right to question Him. The God of the universe can do whatever He pleases (Ps 115:3). On one hand, I am puzzled why God created Timon with too much muscle in his right lower chamber (Hypoplastic heart syndrome) which is more rare than the left side. On the other hand I know that God is not malicious nor a sadist. He does not waste any experiences, good or bad, and seeks to further His kingdom here on earth. Whatever I go through is for strengthening the body of Christ, His glory and for my greater good.

 I am actually glad that my first born son is already in the presence of God. Our greatest prayer and desire, concerning the children that God gives us, is that they will come to believe in the Lord Jesus and live for Him. So, am glad that God has already harvested Timon and I cannot wait to be re-united with His in eternal life. This is my joy in this painful time. I shall see him again. All is not lost.

At this time, I feel like heaven has become a very real and personal place. I have been born-again for almost 11years. I knew about hell and heaven since my Sunday school classes. I have known that because I have faith in the Son of God, I am heaven bound. However, I have never felt, imagined or thought of heaven as so real before Timon. I have not had an epiphany or an out of body experience of heaven but the fact that I now have a son who lives there greatly shifts my perspective. It is no longer an "up there" place but a place where I am looking forward to going. The song, 'Homesick' by Mercy Me can't explain more.

While I had read the book of Job a number of times, there is something about being able to identify with pain. Though my pain of losing Timon cannot be compared to Job's enormous experience of pain.  My naivety to pain and suffering has been taken away. As Aaron says, "Teaching theology is one thing but practicing theology is entirely different". I have read about Jesus', the disciples and Paul's suffering and knew what the bible requires and says about pain and suffering. I have prayed that I would be courageous, strong and faithful no matter what the circumstances. Now I am taking my internship classes on these truths. While it is a hard place to be at, it is also a very beautiful place as far as my eternal eyes need to be re-focused.

My world of pain has opened my eyes to other people's world of pain. It is crazy amazing how all of a sudden there are numerous couples around our circles who have gone through miscarriages, still born, infant deaths, or childlessness. Yesterday, 20th July, 2014, Aaron and I were stepping out of our apartment to head to church. A couple that lives above us was stepping out too. The lady said hi to me and went ahead to congratulate me for having a baby (She must have seen some baby clothes hanged outside our cloth line some weeks ago). I went ahead to share briefly that our baby died after two days. She was so sorry and shared how in 2009 they had lost their daughter two days after birth due to pulmonary complication. I was shocked. Then driving down our road, we gave a ride to a Pastor friend and his wife. This couple has been married for more than a decade and are still waiting on God to bless them with a child. Later on in the evening a friend's sister who we have never met or talked before called me. My friend had asked her to call and encourage me. She shared how in 2010 she had lost her daughter three days after birth. The baby had a similar heart condition as Timon's. There are many more examples but the bottom line is, there are many people around us who have and are going through child related loss and grief. When such couples or friends are willing to share about their pain with us, I am encouraged that I am not alone.

Aaron and I have learned to live within the season that God has given us. When Timon was 10 days overdue, we prayed endlessly that God would bring him soon. Looking back, I am awed by the fact that God is all-knowing. His knowledge is beyond my comprehension. God knew that Timon had only two days with us. He wanted us to enjoy the extra 10days he was in my womb. Instead, we missed it. This has made us realize how important it is to live, enjoy, celebrate the times that we are in now. Be it in pain, grief, celebration, waiting or any sort of turn of events. It is not manageable unless one is in Christ. It is not possible until we know that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Until we stop to rely on ourselves and start to fully rely on Him. He is the God of all times and seasons and deserves our praise.

Living here on the Coast has required us to give up so many things. Before I got married to Aaron, while we were still dating and processing marriage, he used to tell me, "Dama, you have to know that I am not called to live in a white picket fenced house". Okey, we do not live in a shack but we don't live in a 'picket-fenced house' either (Which by the way I love-hopefully the mansions in heaven have this kind of fence:-) Back to my point, as missionaries we often struggle with the balance of giving up materialism/security and counting everything as a loss as Paul puts it in Philippians 3:8. Having a good and powerful car that can jangle the third world potholed-roads or having bottles of sunscreen. Being insured under an international medical insurance that can ensure air evacuation ...as opposed to trusting God to take care of our health no matter where He places us. The struggle of wanting to live and only associate within and amongst "our communities' as opposed to the difficulty of venturing into new cultures. We often struggle to count everything as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ. Timon's death has made me realize how I need to count all as loss compared to the greatness of knowing Christ. This God who gave (willingly) His son up for me, for us, this God who gave us a sweet little and unique boy and took Him away after two days. What can't He do? What can't I give up for Him? What is so precious that I can treasure away from Him? Everything I have is from Him, so why should I withhold anything from Him? Planning is good, actually important. Aaron and I value planning. Having some form of security is good but it all ends with God. I am discovering my great need to die to myself, my flesh, my conveniences, desires, plans and my perspective of life. Oh how I need Him to help me walk this life of Faith. Fully surrendered, totally sold out to Him; a Psalms 90: 12 life.

Aaron and I have come to appreciate each other even more. Going through this loss with him has made me appreciate him more than before. I have seen a stronger and vulnerable side of him that I had not before. I am so glad that God gave me this man. He smiles and laughs even in the thick of things! He is still diligently leading our devotion times. Continuously seeking to do God's will here in Mombasa. He is a man after God's own heart! He has cried with me, hugged and comforted me through it all. He has shown a great amount of grace, patience (and especially when I was pregnant), concern and love. He has stepped in and filled my roles when I am so low. I am glad and thankful to have him.

I am learning that the grieving process is a hard and unpredictable thing. It is also a very draining season. Having listened to those who have experienced such pain, I get the idea that though the pain never goes away entirely, God gives one the strength to endure it. There are good days in the process but also very hard days. There are also things that those around me have done or said that has really encouraged or completely wrecked my heart. I have been encouraged by those who have called or written to say they are still praying for us; those who still visit with us after the burial; those who cooked meals or treated us to dinner and those who have sat with us clueless of what to say but still sat in silence. Through such, we have continually experienced God's comfort and community.

However, there are also those who have sort to encourage but ended up being a drain. I grew up in this side of Sahara where the worldview of death holds that somebody should be blamed for it. Sometimes people chose to ignore God's mysterious ways and medical knowledge. They seek for some human cause to peg the blame. Questions like, "What did you do when you were pregnant?",  "Did you feed the baby A, B or C?", "Did you dress the baby warmly after they were born?", "Would this have happened if you gave birth in the States?" or statements like, "Perhaps A,B or C caused it". While these kind of questions can be legit, asking them to parents who have just lost their baby is both insensitive and unwise. It does not consider our feelings and only pushes us to a corner of a blame game and guilt. As if the grieving process doesn't have its own share of guilt!. This made me understand why God asked Job's friends Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar to repent (Job 42: 7-9).

Some have told us, "This is an attack of Satan" . I have found this thought to be most disturbing. Since it completely writes God off from the equation of life and death. It credits and glorifies Satan. Some people have bound the devil in our home in their prayers. Others have encouraged us to contend with Satan and come against any curses in our prayers. While I agree that we are in a crazy warfare (haven't we always been in one anyway?), our flesh is against the things of God, the world is there always luring us to its systems and of course the enemy of our soul, the devil, seeks to devour us. However, to entirely credit him like he creates and takes away life is a big heresy. Satan can only do that which God has allowed him to do within his powers. I am so glad that God had convicted us through Matt 19:14 on that Monday night. He had called our boy home and chosen to tell us in advance! What an honor! If I had "any bone to pick" with anyone or whoever about Timon's death, then it will be with God.

There are some innocent words that I probably have used before to console a grieving parent. The simple words, "Do not worry, God will give you some more babies". Yes, they do sound comforting and reassuring, but later they pierce the heart of a grieving parent. All human, babies too are very unique in God's eye. No human can replace the other. Timon cannot and will never be replaced by our other babies (If God chose to give us more). He was unique and lovely. His siblings will also be unique and special in their own ways. He will always be our firstborn. Talking to parents who have walked down this road before, even when they hold their second or third babies, sometimes they still cry at the memory of their departed sons or daughters. Simply because the child's life here on earth was so short (according to our expectations) does not mean that their footprints in the heart of the parent is less significant. I did carry that boy for nine months...actually, more than nine months:-). And getting pregnant is not as simple as going to the store and picking a box of cereals. I wish it was as simple as just doing that.

There are many things that we cannot fully comprehend as long as we live in this body. I highly doubt we will get the explanation of our miseries here on earth when we get to heaven. After all, who will care then? We will be seeing God's face then! We will be changed to be like Him! I don't think our earthly mind and memory will be the same in heaven. My tears will be wiped away. My pain relieved. I doubt if I will have any recollection of it. I wouldn't want it.

The truth of the matter is that I have some fears that have been introduced to my heart. Fears and concerns are evident. I have to constantly remind myself to cast these anxieties to God. The fear of the unknown, especially in regard to having more babies. Will we even have another baby? Will they be healthy? Will they live longer than 2 days? What if there is a similar sickness? This is my cup of tea to drink with God.

Dama (Job 23)